During my last week at home, I had a couple of doctor appointments to get final check ups before leaving the states for a year. In one of those visits, the doctor told me I was showing signs of IBS. [Imma go ahead & rip off the band-aid here: yes, I know IBS isn’t the cutest thing to talk about, but it’s actually more common than we think & it’s currently my reality] *resume*  The doctor gave me a list of foods I should avoid: dairy, gluten, etc. Now at first, it seemed doable. I hardly ate dairy to begin with, I didn’t mind getting gluten free bread, but then… I left the country and let me tell y'all, gluten free bread and almond milk might as well be bars of gold.

On the field, we each live on $5 a day. (Crazy to think that’s what I’d spend on a cup of coffee back home). Now, one of my first challenges was fighting the feeling of being an inconvenience to my team. The budget is already tight and having to get specific foods to accommodate me seemed so selfish on my part. However, my team is amazing and assured me that I’m not an inconvenience, I’m family, it’s just another way they get to show their love for me, and they encouraged me to speak up for my needs because they mattered. 

Romania was our first country. With gleam in our eyes and excitement in our bones we explored the city allowing ourselves to be submersed in the culture— which includes really yummy food!!! To be honest, I kind of forgot about the restrictions and I definitely paid the price later, but what hurt more was the thought patterns that followed me into the next country.

My team and I were somewhere deep in the mountains of Theth, Albania where the nearest grocery store was over two hours away and all we really had to eat was rice, pasta and bread. (Carb city alert) One of the first mornings there, I was getting ready for the day and I realized that my pants were a little more snug than I last remembered.

Uh Oh. Literally my worst nightmare. 

How can this be, it’s only been one month?? 

My mind flooded with worry and anxiety. I looked at myself in the mirror, disappointed. 

Don’t eat and you’ll be fine. 

They won't even realize it, you're too big and it won't show.

That thought might as well have been the starting bell of a wrestling match of thoughts.

Two days past. I was so angry at God and I was confused as to why this was happening.                First, I want to point out that there is clearly an enemy and he will do anything to try to gain any type of stronghold in your life. Satan specializes in patterns of destruction and death-giving cycles. Lying and manipulation is his native tongue. Listening to the lies and believing them, even for just a second, made me question my identity and my progress.

Why did You make me like this?

I thought I was getting better...

Finally, I broke down. I couldn’t do it alone anymore. Fear had a grip on me that I didn't even realize. As I cried in anger and defeat, wrestling and blaming God for bringing me to this place...He caught my every tear. Being fearful of gaining weight may seem silly, but when you've placed parts of something so valuable such as your identity in that, the thought of it is terrifying. However, all of this is a process and those take time. Healing takes time. The reality is Jesus paid the price for us to have freedom and we do not have to be fully healed to walk in that freedom. We encounter healing as we walk in the freedom Jesus gave us. 

I'm coming to terms that this is just a part of this journey and this season doesn't tell my whole story and that is okay. As much as I wish I could say I'm all for the idea of fluctuating weight for the sake of the Gospel, I am not quite there yet. Again, it's a process, but I find comfort in knowing that my creator is in awe of me. He created me for himself and the best thing I can do is allow Him to lead me in the path that will allow me to steward my body well; not for the sake of myself but for His glory. Intimacy with the Father, your Creator, is the best way to solidify your identity in Him.

I write this in hopes that whatever thing you’re struggling with, I encourage you to invite Jesus into it. He sees you and will meet you right where you're at and He’s there ready to catch every tear, hold your hand, and walk alongside you through it all. 

Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share.

Until next time amigos, 

Gina Oyuela-Dickinson:)